On: Germany's Merz pitches 'associate' EU membership for Ukraine

Dash it all, one reads the morning papers, one sips one’s tea, and one finds oneself confronted with the most extraordinary convolutions of human ingenuity, all in the name of what one presumes is progress. This notion of “associate” membership, a sort of half-in, half-out arrangement for Ukraine, strikes one as precisely the sort of splendidly intricate knot that only the most dedicated committee could devise. It reminds me, rather, of the time young Bingo Little, in a fit of romantic ardour, attempted to be both engaged to the formidable Honoria Glossop and simultaneously cultivate the affections of the waitress at the Drones, all without either party becoming entirely aware of the other’s existence. A delicate balancing act, to be sure, and one fraught with the potential for sudden, explosive revelations.

One can almost picture the chaps in Brussels, poring over their blueprints, attempting to construct a sort of annex to the main edifice, complete with all the trimmings but lacking, as it were, the master bedroom key. “Full membership eventually,” they say, as if one might eventually be permitted to sit at the captain’s table after a suitable period of polishing the brass on the lower decks. One trusts that some chap, perhaps a rather quiet sort in the corner with an impeccably pressed waistcoat, will eventually suggest the simpler, more direct route, much as Jeeves, with a mere clearing of the throat, can unravel a week’s worth of Bertie’s well-intentioned but ultimately disastrous schemes. One lives in hope, of course, that the spirit of common sense, like a well-trained retriever, will eventually fetch the ball from the thicket of diplomatic niceties. Until then, one must simply observe the spectacle with a certain detached amusement, confident that the sun will, eventually, shine through the clouds of bureaucratic complexity.